Livingstone's Flooring Service Laminate flooring Carpets
Livingstone's Flooring and Carpets would like to take this opportunity to introduce their flooring installation service. As part of this service Livingstone's will install all types of flooring anywhere in the South East regardless of where they were purchased. If you have already purchased your materials or if you would like Livingstone's to provide some technical information in order to assist in purchasing the correct materials or quantities for your project please feel free to call.
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Candy crush is doing my nut in my wife is leaving me, my cc bills to high and my business has gone to pot please help with level 76 cc gods lol
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Tony Blair visits the hospital Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to Southampton General Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Willie Murdoch was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Willie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and 10,000 US dollars. A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Willie Murdoch was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.' To this the Arab replied, 'Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.' The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.' The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool." 3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?' And she said, "Wear your sweater".
Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole. Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny," Rabby replies "Och, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here"
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!" "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'. The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.
A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Old Carpet Joke A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."